Please try not to love me
by xredSunburstx
Summary: Sometimes people wear a mask; they always do. Sometimes a few of them are pretending; and they need someone who is willed to look behind. Callie & Arizona.
1. Chapter 1

**Please try not to love me**

**Summary: **

Sometimes people wear a mask; they always do. Sometimes a few of them are pretending; and they need someone who is willed to look behind. Callie & Arizona.

**Authors Note:**

I know some of you would like to read something happier, but it's a topic that's capturing my mind and so I start to think about writing this.

I also thought about people who are pretending all the time, just because they don't want someone else to know what's going on. I often saw and did that. Not everything that seems golden is golden and we should be more interested in other people who might need our help…

And of course there's the feeling of loosing something and feeling guilty, being captured of painful memories and feelings.

I don't want you to be sad after reading this… but it's somehow necessary to write it and of course you should never forget that there's hope. For everyone.

This is Arizona's POV.

All my best wishes to you…

-Sun

**Chapter 1**

"_Self-harm (SH), also referred to as __self-injury__ (SI), __self-inflicted violence__ (SIV) or __self-injurious behaviour__ (SIB), refers to a spectrum of behaviours where demonstrable injury is self-inflicted. The term __self-mutilation__ is also sometimes used, although this phrase evokes connotations that some find worrisome, inaccurate, or offensive. Many self-harmers are very self-conscious of their wounds and scars and feel guilty about their behaviour leading them to go to great lengths to conceal their behaviour from others. They may offer alternative explanations for their injuries, or conceal their scars with clothing. Self-harm in such individuals is not associated with suicidal or para-suicidal behaviour. A person who self-harms is not usually seeking to end their own life; it has been suggested instead that they are using self-harm as a coping mechanism to relieve emotional pain or discomfort. Studies of individuals with developmental disabilities (such as mental retardation) have shown self-harm being dependent on environmental factors such as obtaining attention or escape from demands. Though this is not always the case, some individuals suffer from dissociation and they harbour a desire to feel real and/or to fit in to society's rules."_

Very often people talk or write about things they don't really know something about. Very often they never experienced the things they are talking about, but they talk like they really know.

I don't lie. With this I can't lie.

I know what I'm talking about, because I did it.

And…I still do it.

It's like an addiction.

People who are addicted to drugs need a shot regularly.

They need their drugs; they need the pusher who gives the drugs to them.

They need a dose; they need the feeling of unconsciousness, happiness.

I guess… I need the pain.

It started a long time ago. I guess I first did it when I was able to feel, and I realized that everything wasn't really worth fighting for, because each time I was fighting for something it wasn't worth it in the end. There were loneliness, anger, guilt feelings and a lot of pain and sorrow instead.

T

here were wounds on my body and my soul.

And today there are burning wounds again, because I couldn't help myself. I couldn't think about anything else and so I spent the night in another life. In the past.

I almost scream out loud when the hot head of the matchstick is pressed down on my soft skin right beneath other wounds.

Fresh and old wounds, telling you the story of my life. It's a book written on my creamy skin.

People often say you hurt yourself, because you want to die or you scream out loud for help.

But like I said… They don't know.

In my case I do it, because I try to find a balance between the sorrow of my soul and the pain of my body. I'm not screaming for help, because I don't want help.

_I know I'm better off alone._ I do this, over and over again, because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like I'm no good.

Friends told me I should stop it, after they saw my wounds, but they don't know how it feels…They don't know what it means to hear those voices, what it means to feel like that.

Oh god… I wish this would be over. I wish I wouldn't have to pretend. I wish there would be something else to make me feel better. But here I am, feeling my skin burnt.

And Oh yeah, first it feels good, like a release, like I deserved it, like I'm really on drugs.

But when I did it I feel guilty, I cry more than before, because I realize I wasn't strong enough.

I never am.

If people knew, they would ask me why I do it. But they wouldn't understand.

Once a nurse asked me how I was able to be happy and perky like that when I was working with small children, when I had to see children die. I told her I have my way to cope with it and I really do have. Well, I'm good in pretending. I always have been.

In high school they told me it was magical how happy I am and every time I was entering a room I had the talent to make people smile and laugh. I can't deny it, because it was the truth. But no one of them was really able to see behind my mask. No one of them was able to see the wounds I was carrying with me. They never realized that I was walking bent, because of the weight I had to carry. No one of them saw the smiles and the laughter I faked.

But I never pretended and faked love and passion and I guess that was my biggest problem. My problem was that I always trusted human beings over and over again. I was mistaken by hoping there would be never ending love. I was mistaken by believing in all of those things, by falling deeper than every one else. I guess I was too naïve. And I ask myself if it has been my entire fault. It has, hasn't it?

When I'm waking up in the middle of the night I start to cry again.

The day has been hard, at work and at home.

A children died I cared for very much, she just died without any warning and I can't bare the thought that I could have saved her. I should have been able to do anything. Something.

But there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

After she died I left the hospital, because I couldn't stand there anymore, feeling like that and I already had a 48 hours shift.

When I came home, throwing my jacket onto the ground, already crying, I noticed which date it was.

I noticed that it has been 1 year since I lost everything that was important to me. I lost the friends I had my whole life and I lost my love. That's when the feeling started again.

That's when I wasn't strong enough.

When I drift off to sleep again, trying to forget what's capturing my mind for so long, the nightmares are starting.

* * *

It'scary.

It really scares the shit out of me when I'm feeling this crazy feeling again. I knew I should call someone, I knew I shouldn't have to fight this on my own, but somehow I want to be strong enough on my own and there's only way to fight this upcoming feeling: I leave the walls that capturing me; I leave all of this behind and I go out.

Since she betrayed me I live phone number to phone number and I'm trying not to get addicted to someone again. I ask them not to love me and that's how I survive.

Yeah, at least I try to keep the far away. I'm too scared to let them near me and when it happens that I trust again I can't shake the thought of the things that happened.

And I hate it. I hate myself for doing and feeling like this.

And so I'm sitting there for an hour, pouring a drink while I talk to a nurse that works with me in the peds. I'm laughing with her, 'cause she's really funny and I think of spending the night with her. I need someone to forget.

But when I'm looking up I see a girl, which captured my mind. But not in a good way.

It's never good when I feel attracted to someone.

Nevertheless I watch her. I watch her talking to one of the young doctors.

I watch her standing up, my eyes are following hers and I see something no one sees except of me. I know those silent messengers _oh_ so well.

I know… Maybe I shouldn't, because I know to what this is leading, but I follow her into the bathroom. I can't see her cry. I don't want her to cry, and feel like I do each night I'm going to sleep.

It's the reason why I enter the dirty bathroom, my mind filled with her face.

She's a crying beauty.

* * *

**2 ****Author's Note:**

It's not much, but it's a beginning. Just tell me what you think and if I should continue with this. If it's too much, tell me. Reviews (good or bad ones) are appreciated!


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Sometimes I can't help. Sometimes the feeling lasts for days and even I tried to fight it in the first place it knuckles me down at the end and I am where I was a few years ago. This feeling isn't leaving my head and my soul, no matter what I'm trying, even I tell myself there were a lot of good reasons why thing works out like they work out. It's destiny. I tell myself I'm not the guilty one and I tell myself there is more than one person involved to destroy something.

But I guess it's just who I am. How I am. How I work.

My life has always been like one of those Greek dramas intermingling with a really dramatic movie and I ask myself how it could come to this. I ask myself if it was planned that I was going through all the shit, just to become stronger in the end. Maybe my environment and all the people made me to the person I am now. Or maybe it was me. Just me and my genes.

I ask myself if it was because of my mom who was diagnosed with depression. She was always very thoughtful and often depressed, but she was also good in pretending. She was all in all a great mom. But when my brother died she revealed her truth face.

That was when both of us revealed our real face.

He was the one I trusted. He was the one I grow up with and I believed him when I couldn't believe anyone else, I told him everything about me and my issues. When he was gone, I was gone, too.

The pain was placed in my heart and in my soul, locked behind a door no one, not even I, could open, and since my brother was gone it stayed locked and therefore that I wouldn't explode I keep on hurting myself to ease the pain. A stupid reason, because the wounds and the knowledge about what I've done made it even worse.

I couldn't talk to the once I loved anymore what made me a very lonely person. The only thing I did to replace the pain with a different feeling was sleeping and messing around.

Someone told me I couldn't live like that, but I did. I didn't live a good life. I lived no life, but I survived.

I knew how to make me forget my problems just a moment, but it was hard. Even I was walking around, hanging out in one pub after the other, meeting girls, flirting, making out; I always knew it would be over after a few hours. The pain is still there and it won't leave me. Usually I think about this strange feeling always and I'm never able to shot my head off, but now it's different.

When I follow her to the bathroom, seeing her invincible company, my head focuses just on her. Everything else isn't important anymore, and when I enter the room, she is the only thing I'm thinking about. When I'm entering the room she is all I see.

"Hey." I simply say, looking straight at her and I see how she's drying her eyes furiously as she sees me in the mirror.

"Hey." She replies not looking at me, thinking I'm just polite. But what am I? What do I really want?

"Ortho. Right?"

"Yeah. Right. Hi." She's still not looking at me.

"I'm Arizona Robbins. Pad surgery. I've seen you at the hospital…" Oh yes, and how I've seen her at the hospital.

"…Are you okay?" An honest question, full of true feelings. I've been very sensitive with this kind of question. Maybe I have a complex with helping other people, because once I wished there would be someone to save me.

"Yeah, you know I'm fine…" Man… she's a bad liar.

"Really?" I ask with my brow raising. She can't lie to me and I'm not her to be lied at. I'm here because she somehow captured my mind and I'm somehow attracted to her and I want her to forget, whatever she's crying about.

"You know… you look upset… you really do… and… I thought…Maybe you need something to deflect you…"

"What do you mean?"

It's a really good question, because I really don't know what I mean. I just know that she's beautiful. All I know that my eyes are locked with hers and all I'm looking at are her chocolate caramel brown eyes, and before I can stop myself I'm raising my hand to stroke her cheek firmly and I found myself standing right in front of her. She's looking at me in a strange but waiting way, right before I kiss her.

It's a simple kiss and it doesn't last long, but its full understanding, wanting to help and it's full of attraction and tenderness.

When I pull back all I do is smiling, because her lips felt so soft, like none before and it's crazy. It's crazy how I'm feeling, when I want to touch her again.

"I think you know…" I say smiling and I'm about to leave, because I don't know what I would do when I would stay. Tonight I don't want to have sex with a stranger, tonight I want more and I don't think I'll get it here, when she is as broken as me. I'm heading to the door as I feel some pair of strong hands around my wrists spinning me around and before I'm able to react I'm pressed against the wall.

Her lips are capturing mine in a searing and hot kiss. My knees go weak and it's hard for me to stay and that's what she realizes. Therefore she uses her strong arms to pull me up, pressing me harder against the wall. My fingers are hiding in her hair, pulling her nearer, because in my opinion, she can't be close enough.

I know we are in a dirty bathroom and it's far away from the hottest places at all, but when her hands are roaming over my body, squeezing my breasts through the fabric of my shirt so willed and forced I want more.

I really want her.

Finally we are pulling apart, because air gets a problem for both of us and the heat atmosphere isn't really helping.

She positions her forehead against mine and she is heavily breathing like I do, and all I can think is how I never felt this way about someone before. Never has been able to kiss me like that and I thought that the last girl in the bar was pretty damn good. She was really hot.

But that woman is _super… super_ hot.

"Wow…" She's sighing and I really know how she is feeling. I guess we really have something in common.

"That's what I wanted to say, too." I reply and we both are starting to laugh.

"Well…" She looks at me, without knowing what to say, but I guess she wants the same as I do and so I answer instead.

"To your place or to mine?"

She smiles at me mischievously before she answers.

"Mine is nearer…" She kisses me a last time before she pulls away, taking my hand in hers and I don't mind.

* * *

The next morning I wake up, but not in a usual way. My body feels warm and I feel comfortable; I feel good as I yawn and open my eyes a little bit too early.

It was the first night for a long time I was finally able to sleep and somehow I managed to sleep with my arms around her torso and my head right beneath hers so I could hear the steady rhythm of her breath.

It was something I heard the whole night. It was something that kept me staying in this world and not running into a world full of guilt and sorrow.

And when I look up, supporting my head with my hand and my arm I watch her sleeping. She has beautiful features and her lips are still swollen from our love making like mine.

* * *

_We had a long line of love, amazing love, making behind us, but I knew it wasn't ready when I felt the woman named Calliope, sliding down my body to my centre that ached for her touch, but she teases me with licking my tight, gently nibbling my skin. And even it wasn't something I liked before I moaned at the contact of her lips and my skin. Somehow it was magical, whatever she did._

_And then it happened. Something strange that never happened before. When she was licking my lips softly and grazing her teeth against them my breath hitched and I noticed her looking up to see the sensation and desire burning in my eyes, and for the first time I tried hard to keep my eyes open and I watched her like she watched me._

_It turned me on to see her like this very much. But it wasn't the only reason I keep starring at her. It was the connection she built up to me. Something strong and unbelievable, but there it was just with one look._

_She uses her fingers and she opens up my folds to run her tongue over my waiting clit and she circled slowly before she took it into her mouth with a soft suck, holding onto me with her hands on my belly._

_I closed my eyes for a moment and I sighed furiously, but as I opened my eyes there it was again. This look that made me hold my breathe._

_My moans filled the room and I was surprised by my reaction to her touch. I wasn't vey loud, because I was never really satisfied. It was good, but it was far away from awesome. _

_But with her… it is amazing and I needed more. Therefore I pulled my hands into her raven hair as the first orgasms rushed through my veins. It was a feeling I never had. It has never been that powerful and it hits me like a tidal wave so hard and suddenly and I almost passed out, because with her, I forget to breathe. I forget anything. _

_Suddenly she enters me deeply without a warning and she sucks hard on my clit. Calliope finds a steady rhythm and her fingers are inside of me curled. I can feel her all over me and finally I close my eyes and cry out in pleasure. She's moaning too while she's tasting me and only seconds another wave is crushing me hard and powerful. I come a thousand times in her mouth this night and even I know sex isn't really about feeling save and complete, because a long time it was about fulfilling a desire, to stop me starving, it really was like eating and drinking. Something I just had to do, something I did to forget. _

_But when she is touching me firmly, crawling up my body to lie upon me. _

_When she is removing some wet strings of my curls from me face and tuck them behind me earlobes to be able to kiss me freely. _

_And when she's still stroking the spot behind my ears and my stomach is feeling crazy. _

_It feels good, pure and honest. _

_It feels amazing._

_And I feel save._

* * *

Memories coming back to me, making me smile widely. It was more than amazing. It was perfect. And I wished there would be a chance for us to be more like a one-shot. But I have rules. I have strict orders I pulled up a year ago when my life was a collapsed house of cards. I promised myself to build a wall, higher than the German wall in 1961, and I promised myself there wouldn't be someone tearing this wall down. Because I didn't want to be as vulnerable as I was before.

But even I built those walls within weeks I'm still vulnerable by my own mind… Maybe there should be a second time. Maybe there would be a chance for me sleeping at night and feeling safe without her falling in love with me.

I don't want anybody falling in love with me, because it's better for me to be alone. No ones want a physical wreck as a girlfriend… No one want me, no one would stay with me… It's something I realized a long time ago, over and over again.

Suddenly I hear her sighing and I come back to reality where she is already awake, starring at me, smiling widely as I do.

"Good Morning…" She simply says, kissing me again and with only a kiss she takes my breath away. Again.

"Good Morning, beautiful…" I reply, smiling.

Anyhow she makes me smiling all the time, but it's not faked. It's honest. It's how I'm feeling.

"How was your night?" With this question she makes us both laugh furiously.

"Oh…. Mine was just… amazing…" I tell her and I touch her arm firmly. I can see a part of her bare chest and I want her. I want her so badly, when I think of what's waiting for me when I come home. When I remember that this isn't lasting forever. We can't stay here all the time. I can't stand here and pretend that everything is fine when it's not. But I feel good with her. I feel good and I can't explain how she's doing this.

"Mine too… and…"

I'm scared of what's coming now. But I let her say whatever she wants to say. I don't interrupt her and tell her I have to go, because something important is waiting for me. I just let her talk, because I already broke one promise by staying her longer than I needed and so I could break another one. As long as this isn't going deeper than having some sort of fun with each other, as long as I'm not going to be vulnerable because of her.

"…I'd like to see you again. I'd like to repeat this…"

And with that I'm breaking my promise for the first time.

"I'd like to see you again, too… "

I reply, smiling, but there's something I need to say. There's something I need her to promise me.

"But there's something you need to promise me…"

"Whatever…"

"Please… try not to fall in love with me…" I'm saying, I'm whispering, I'm pleading.

She looks at me in a strange way before she nods slightly.

Love has become a thing I was scared of. Something that broke my back too often.


	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Note: **Oh thank you so much! I'm so unbelievable glad you like this! I hope you like this chapter too! I'm sorry I let you wait so long… I'm really doing my best! Thank you for everything. A nice new episode tonight with hopefully a lot of Calzona screen time and a nice rest week.

**-Sun**

**Chapter 3**

Being a doctor is in strict comparison with pain, death and hurt.

But it's also full of joy, saving lives and love.

Being a paediatric surgeon, which means you are working with children all the time is the most beautiful thing in the world, because however your day has been, entering this part of the hospital everything is forgotten. As soon as you rush through the doors you are capable of doing things you would never do as a grown adult. As soon as you enter this world you are not the one you were when you entered the hospital.

The same minute you are entering this part of an institution which earns money by healing or killing people, you can smell the fairy dust in the air. It smells like spring, like flowers, it smells like hope and I can't get enough of the faintly perfume, crawling into my nose, capturing my mind. Here it is, apart from the rest of the building, about miracles, dreams, believing. It's about never giving up, whatever is happening around you. I look in their eyes and even they are scared, there's still a glimpse of hope in their pure and honest eyes.

It feels like they are my teacher, more than life thought me, more than I'd be able to teach them something about life. They teach me just with looking into my eyes, revealing me a world I was seeking for a long time now.

I guess they are the true reason I found the strength to go on, because if they do I have to, too. And because without me, they wouldn't survive and I wouldn't survive without them.

And even I know it's like heaven to stay here and work, help and be one of them, it's also one of the most hurtful things in the world, because they're life is not unlimited, even they are the purest creatures that have been created by someone almighty. Even their unlimited talent to hope and believe can't save them and even I'm not able to save each of them, and even I know it can happen every time I do my rounds. It can happen each night I lay in my bed, spending another sleepless night. I know it can happen whenever I am there or not.

The sureness that life is limited and that death isn't stopping for beautiful tiny humans makes my heart a lot more heavier than it already feels and whenever I'm entering a room, and whenever I grin widely into their direction and I earn a happy "Hey Doctor Robbins!" there is a feeling that almost kills me, because I can never be sure that they are staying alive forever. I can't be sure that I'm going to save each of them. I can't be sure no one is dying under my hands… And even I know I shouldn't care so much, I still do.

I do care a lot, because that's exactly who I am and that's who I always was.

A few years ago I believed… That's the only difference… My heart didn't feel like that and I didn't have to pretend or hide in my apartment, scared of being hurt once again.

Years ago it was me, just me… I didn't have to fake one single smile… until everything changed…

* * *

"Good Morning Charlie!" I say out loud in a miraculously happy tone as I enter the room, but I can't see him right away, but it's just a game we are playing whenever I'm coming in. And to be honest I already knew where he hides; under the blanket, like every time. But I still walk up to the closet, opening it and calling out for him. "Oh… Charlie…. Where's Charlie…? I can't find him… Someone knows where he is?"

And I walk up to the bed, taking a look under the bed. Calling out for him again, already grinning brightly. That's the good part of my job… They are the good thing, because they give me joy and sometimes I even forget how I'm usually feeling.

And I call out again for him.

"Oh… I guess I won't find him without help… he just hides to good… Someone's here to help me??" I ask and there it is. A soft giggle. A childish giggle, making my heart melts. I know this sound oh so well… I remember it so clearly it reminds me of my…

"You should search him under the blanket…" A soft voice come in a muffled sound with a few giggles involved and immediately I rush to the bed, taking the blankets in my hands, revealing a pale looking boy with short brown hair, laughing as I tickle him. And I laugh too as I hug him to greet him.

"Oh… there you are, you little monster. I almost didn't find you!" I say and he's frowning, looking at me in disbelief as If he knew that I'm lying and I know this look oh so well… no one looked at me that way for a too long time.

"Don't lie to me California!" I laugh whenever he calls me like that. The first time he asked me what my Name is I answered honestly and he find it kind amusing… Well… who won't. I'm kind of used in this reaction… but no one ever made fun with it in that way… except of…

"I don't lie to you! I'm completely honest with you, Charlie!" I say as I sit down and look into his blue eyes. They are blue as the ocean… they are as blue as his…

And as I look him into the eyes there is sadness, concern as deep as the ocean and I ask myself what is going on. I know I shouldn't get personal involved, but that's how I'm functioning at with him it's just worse… With him… it's different, because whenever I look him into the eyes and whenever he laugh or smile, and whenever he has these emotions in his eyes I think about him. It feels like he is there again when he was younger, looking up to his big sister, asking for her help, talking to her, trusting her more than anything in his life.

When I look him in the eyes I see him. I see Dakota.

"What's wrong, Charlie?" I ask honestly as I would talk to an adult and for me he isn't a child. He's more grown up than a lot of other people in this hospital.

"Don't tell mommy… she's worried enough about anything and it hurts me to see her that worried… and I'm not making it easier for her… and I'm sorry about that… and… I'm scared… I heard people talking about war, I heard them talking about fights and even Mommy is telling me that Daddy is save I'm so scared that I won't ever see him again… I want to see daddy again…" He says and tears are filling his tiny eyes and immediately I pull him into my embrace, kissing his soft hair, stroking his hair as if he was my child.

I just don't see Dakota in him, I also see my own self, my own hopes and my own scared a few years ago when he decided to fight for his country…

"I know… it's okay to be scared, Charlie… It's nothing to be ashamed of…" I say and I try to hold my tears back. My heart is aching for him, for my own self, for his mother and for my parents, for my big brother and for the brother I lost a long time ago.

"Zona…" It's the first time he calls me like that and it hits me so suddenly that I almost shriek. HE always called me that and the last words I heard from him are ringing in my ears.

"_Don't worry, Zona. I'll be back soon. I promise. Just another month and we will be the Robbins – clan again. Just don't worry too much and break your head because of it. You'll see… I'll go on your nerves again sooner you hoped. I'll be back soon, Zona. Don't cry now… You know I hate to hear you cry. There's nothing to cry about, because there's always a second time you meet in life. I'll be back soon. I promise… I really promise… I love you, Zona. And I miss you, too…"_

"Do… do you think he'll come back…?" he asks in a soft and trembling tone, bringing me back to reality and I wish I wouldn't have to lie to him. I wish it would be the truth I'm telling him. But it's just pure hope; believe that life isn't killing people who should survive. I would love to believe the lie I'm telling him on my own, that life is fair.

But I know it's the only way how we survive and so I raise my voice to make him believe, to take his pain away just for a moment.

"Yes. He will come back someday. Maybe very soon. I promise you he'll come back and then you'll see him again. He has to come back and when you're finally out of here you'll be able to play baseball with him and go to amusing parks, you listen? You'll be together with both of your parents and you won't have to stay in these rooms. I promise…"

The second things we learn in medicine school is never promising and maybe I'm doing the wrong thing. But seeing him smile and closing his eyes while I lay him back and pull the blanket over his tiny body I know what I did was right… for now… And before I leave I give him a quick kiss on his forehead, promising I'll come back later again.

And one last short glance with a sad smile printed on my face.

Someday all his hope will shatter and I'll be the one he blames.

I know it too well, because all I did when he was dying was blaming…

Blaming my parents, my brother, myself for not being able to stop him.

Blaming our country and military to send him over there, into the most dangerous situation.

Blaming god for taking him away from me.

And then… after I blamed everyone I was numb.

* * *

As soon as I left the room, closing the glass door behind myself and as soon as I'm looking up I see her in front of me, smiling a wicked smile, and even I feel like it's the perfect time to drown in my tears, because the pain and the memory which are emerging my body are too strong to take, but instead I smile, remembering how her lips felt on mine, remembering her unique taste and I want to kiss and taste her again to forget the pain just a short moment.

No, instead I want to drown in her and not in my tears.

She opens her mouth to say something, but I just pull her with me as soon as I reached her and I don't care what everyone around me and what she is thinking of me. I couldn't care less and my heart couldn't ache more for her touch.

I drag her to the nearest on call room in which I press her hard against the wall as soon as the door closed behind us. I kiss her with an unbelievable urge and with a hunger I haven't felt in a long time. And a crazy, but somehow terrific, feeling is starting to raise when she's kissing me back in a passionate and sensual way, her hands roaming over my body, like she has never touching someone else before, like she has never touched someone before me.

But when my body is tensed and I feel the arousal building up in a quick pace she's pulling back so suddenly, stopping my head, my lips with her hands around my cheek and I try to kiss her so hard. But she's stopping me, and usually I would be annoyed, because all I want to is feeling her over me, beneath me, under me. I want to feel her… Everywhere…

"You were great with the little boy…" She says, smiling and I nod. Trying to kiss her again. But she's not willed to let me.

"You care a lot for them and I like that…"

I nod again, smiling in a way everyone could think I'm high. And I'm high in a way.

"And I'm starving for you…" I say instead in a low and husky voice and she's laughing out loud. But this wasn't really joke, it was pure honest and a very important urge. But she's got a plan. I can already read in her eyes and there it is. I knew she has something coming up in her mind.

"Oh good you mention starving… I'm also quiet hungry… What an accident! Well… we could go out today, because I already checked if you are free, and we could fill our hunger…" she says with a seductive smile and I want to scream at her. She can't look at me that way and think that I'm able to say no and even I don't usually do that. Even I don't go on dates, even I just life phone number to phone number I want her. And I would even go on a date with her to kiss and taste and touch her again. I would almost do everything.

"Yes…" I whisper huskily into her ears before I'm ravishing her neck, touching her right over her waistband and its hot how she's morning, leaning her head back to give me more access, and my lips immediately are searching for her lips. I already have my eyes close, looking forward for what's coming next.

But suddenly her presence is gone and I lean against the cold hard wall.

"Great… So I'll be at your place around 8." She says and I realize that she just has stolen MY usual perkiness and I damn her. I damn her for that. And I damn her for those full lips, for her tongue, for her voice, her wickedly smile and I damn her for her whole body…

Because of her I broke my own made up rules and I hope I won't regret.

But with her body… how could I?


	4. Chapter 4

**Authors Note: **I'm very very sorry; because I let you wait so long. I know with my last fanfic I tried to update as soon as possible, but it was really rough the last time and I didn't felt so good. But I hope you are not mad and you are able to wait! Thank you so much for reading and commenting this! Have fun while reading this!

All my best wishes to you & a nice weekend

-Sun

**Chapter 4**

The blood was pounding in my chest. The blood was racing through my veins like it was running a marathon to my heavy heart.

I never felt that way. I was never running around, standing in front of my mirror for over 10 minutes looking at me very critical before running back to my wardrobe where I pulled out another dress. I stood there looking at myself, trying to calm myself down by telling myself this was just going to be something to forget the pain for a short time, having fun and hot sex at the end of the evening. I told myself that this was going to be nothing more than the usual 'dates' I have with some scrub nurses, girls I met at a bar or somewhere else and dates with completely strangers when I was going to start my selfish hunt again.

But why was I standing in front of the mirror with the fifth dress I tried in 12 minutes, now wearing a black very long top, comparing to a dress, with silver stones and simple blue jeans? But why was I standing in front of the mirror asking myself if I was going to be beautiful enough for her?

And if this was just something unimportant like each date for almost 2 years now, why was my heart pounding as I heard the bell ringing?

Why did my heart hitched as I was opening the door, looking into her oh so beautiful face.

She isn't one of my usual dates.

She is completely different with her dark long hair and her purple dress, looking into my eyes, like she has seen a ghost and I would like to say her how miraculous I think she is. I'd love to kiss her now and reveal her how much I ache for her touch even I know I shouldn't.

I shouldn't be doing this. I shouldn't look at her like this and I shouldn't give her hope when I would destroy it as soon as she took it.

I know what hope is doing to you and I know what it can do to you in human hands.

But there it is a few words with her hoarse voice. A sentence she shouldn't say in that way to me, because with that the smile on my face is growing endlessly and I just don't want to kiss her. I want to talk to her, spend time with her, look at her, see her smile and then I want to kiss her as long as possible.

"You look… beautiful…" She says right before she's clearing her throat, still looking at me.

And there happens something else I never experienced for a long time. I blush slightly while I'm looking straight into her eyes.

"You too…" I simply say with a smile plastered on my face and my heart racing heavily in my chest; it's winning a race my hopeful heart started, a race she's joining with a giant smile.

"Are you ready to…?"

"Oh… yeah… yeah! Of course!"

I answer, acting like an idiot as I'm grabbing for my keys and closing the door after me, after I starred at her for what felt like hours. But she doesn't seem to mind, because she was starring at me the same way I was fixated on her perfect body.

Well I still couldn't believe that I slept with such a beautiful woman… and that this woman was standing here, in front of me, days ago, not letting go, even a part of my heart, controlled by my memories and my rationality. But at the same time I couldn't let off of her…

"But… wait a moment…" I say and she's spinning around with confusion grazing her face.

Even now she's just breathe- taking. Ab-solut-ely and 100% breathe-taking and it's her fault I can't resist to kiss her and so I lean forward to capture her lips just for a brief moment before I let go. I know we wouldn't be able to make it to the restaurant if I was kissing her one more second and she was looking so awesome in her purple dress that I decided to look at her for another few minutes and hours, before I am going to undress her.

As soon as I let go a cherish smile is appearing on her face and I say:" Now we can go…" in a sweet tone, revealing another side of me. A side I almost didn't recognize, but there it clearly is after hiding behind a wooden door for a long time. And I'm surprised how easily she's coming to the door, knocking and without asking to entry I open the door and let her in to take me out again.

And I smile as we are both leaving, still smiling like children on Christmas Day, I feel completely lost in her presence.

* * *

As we entered the beautiful Spanish restaurant my eyes were as big as a baseball and I couldn't help myself from starring.

I haven't seen something like that before, well, I have never been to a Spanish restaurant, but what I mean is her.

I have never seen someone as beautiful as her before in my entire life.

She's greeting a few people, changing from English into Spanish whenever she likes and it's fabulous…

She's fantastic and I wish I would understand what she's saying to them. But it also makes her more mysterious. And she's not forgetting that I'm there whatever she's doing. With whomever she is talking her eyes are always finding mine and as she is laughing because of something the owner of this lovely restaurant say I start to grin automatically, because she's magical.

Because she captures me with her words, she's talking a different language so I understand each word and even I'm staying a few footsteps away from her while she is earning another few cheek kisses I don't feel lost, because even there are many people in this room, and even she is catching all the attention from everyone I'm the only one who is catching hers.

Just a few more minutes she's standing in front of me again, looking into my eyes apologizing.

"I'm sorry I let you wait…" She says our bodies just inches away and if we wouldn't be in the middle of a restaurant, the people still looking at us I would kiss her now. But instead I reply with a simple: "It's okay!" And she's leading us to our table, decorated with a beautiful red rose and just a few minutes later we already have our drinks, looking straight into each others eyes while we are laughing about the stories she's telling me right here about her parents, about her Spanish family and her past.

And I'm not even bored. Instead I love to listen to her voice and her laughter.

"Oh yeah! We stayed a lot in Spain with the rest of our family. I loved the temperature and at most I loved the ocean and the beach! But one day I got lost…" She says laughing furiously and anyhow her laughter is completely infectious.

"You get what?"

"Hey don't laugh! It isn't funny! I was only 5 years old and I was scared, because there were just strangers and my parents were gone… but… you have to know… there where we stayed a few times in the year there happened one special thing when a child was missing and I was a special child, because I was too nervous to say who I was… and so I've found myself on the shoulder of a young man who smiled at his girlfriend who was clapping her hands together loudly. And as I looked around I saw the people spinning around… I couldn't believe what was happening as it became louder and louder and my ears recognized more and more pair of hands clapping until it looked like hundred people following the young man, who was still carrying me on his shoulders. They were forming a circle and I was the middle point. The trick was that everyone knew what the clapping meant: A children was found who got lost and naturally each parent spun around to look where their children were and just a few minutes passed with the people still clapping, until I recognized the face of my parents and my sisters. They took me in their arms soothingly and they thanked the young man who strokes my short and dark hair before he left too. They were worried and I guess they thought I was scarred and worried too. But I wasn't. I wasn't at all… Instead I felt… save… It was a magical feeling and sometimes I feel the same… I remember this day and how save I felt, because of someone barring me until I came to the place where I was save again." She says thoughtful and I smile at the thought, grinning widely.

Yes… whenever someone is carrying your weight with them, until you are save again… And the way she's looking at me I want her to carry my weight with her…I know it's selfish… but… I want her to know… anything… I don't want to bear this weight alone… not anymore…

And suddenly I hear her voice again, but this time she's asking me and I ask myself at the same time if I'm ready to answer her questions honestly like I want to…

"Now tell me a little bit from you and your family… Where do you come from?? Are there any brother or sisters?" She smiles interested in what I have to tell her. But I wished she wouldn't be interested…

"I lived in Oklahoma with my parents and my brother…" I reply simply, hoping this is enough information for her, but it isn't.

"You have a brother, really? What's his name…"

"His name wa… is Dakota…"

It's not the truth… but in my mind, in my imagination, in my heart he's still alive and that thing never happened… in my dreams he never went to Iraq.

And I want this to be a dream; I want to stay in this dream, because for a long time I enjoyed myself… I enjoyed myself around her, forgetting each wound that's grazing my ankles in an invisible way. But they are still there even they stayed unseen or lied. I was good in lying and pretending and I always have been good in finding explanations.

"I see your parents have a thing in naming their children after different parts of America…"

"Oh yeah for real…it was fun in high school…" I say, laughing.

"Well I like it…" She says seductively and I wish she wouldn't be that hot, licking over her lips. I guess she's teasing me, because while I think about taking her right here she wants to talk further on.

"And why were you coming to Seattle?" She asks me right before she's taking a long sip and her red wine, as red as her full and miraculous lips, is purring down her throat and I don't know what I should say.

Should I tell her the truth?

Should I let her in just a little bit more or should I lie to her another time?

Should I tell her that I was left by my brother and everyone else?

Should I tell her that I haven't got any possibility, any chance to decide?

That I wouldn't have survived without leaving?

"I… It was time to go to another place… I guess there's a time in life when you can't stay where you have been all your life…" I only tell, because I decided to talk to her another time. Tonight should be a time of happiness and not of sorrow and pain.

"You want some more wine?" I ask, smiling, as I realize the way she's looking at me, but I can't let the joy being destroyed right now by other questions when I was able to enjoy the night with her and so I say:" tell me more about your family…"

* * *

Two hours later we left the restaurant again and I was sad this night was going to be over so soon. We talked a lot. We even talked about relationships, at least about her relationships, and about our work and even I kept secrets I told her more than anyone else and as we were leaving this place I couldn't think about something else than sharing the night with her. And it wasn't just about the urge to touch her the way I just wanted to touch her. It was about the connection, the feeling I have when I'm around her.

And we walk back to me apartment, because it's not far away from the place we ate and as we walk in silence I realize something else. I realize that I enjoy her company even she's not talking to me. I just need her around me and as we stand in front of the building where I live, looking each other deeply in the eyes, like we are both waiting for the other one to say something.

"So…" She says.

"Yeah… so…" I reply, being a part of a furious inner battle.

_Don't do that, Arizona! Don't ask… You know how it's going to end__… You shouldn't be doing this…_

I know I shouldn't and maybe it's the worse thing I can do. Yes. Maybe it's wrong and I'm sure I shouldn't.

But at the same point my rationality shuts out as soon as she's touching my hand slightly.

"You want to come with me upstairs??" Her eyes and her lips are forming a smile while her mouth is forming a lovely "I'd love to…"

I know I shouldn't be doing this, because… because that's who I am… that's who I became and trust isn't a real part of the new Arizona. But when she's touching me the way she's touching me right now I know I can't resist. And as soon as our gazes are meeting for a brief moment as she's entering the building with me I'm a goner.

I don't look her in the eyes and we are barely saying anything, but it's a comfortable silence, because our hands are saying more than any words could say and I do something I haven't done for a long time… I let her in by intermingling our hands and never letting her go for the rest of the night.

* * *

Weeks have passed in which I was the only one who entered these rooms… I was the only one, because I lived hiding myself behind these walls. But now with her entering me apartment it feels pure and I can't wait to let her in, to let her see who I am and now I take all the risks which are intermingling with the things I offer her.

And I lay down the jacket I was wearing, laying t on the couch before I walk up to her. I look her in the eyes and all she's saying is… nothing… pure nothing…

I slide my hands under her jacket to pull it off with one gentle movement and I take her hand into mine again as I hover over her lips, feeling her hitched breathe on mine.

"You… are so… beautiful…" She says in a soft whisper right before I slide my hands under her dress too and I undress her painful slowly. She's already wincing, but I want to give her everything I have to offer. I want her whole body on fire like she got mine within seconds, barely touching me, just with her eyes, with her look, with her huskily and seductively voice.

"Take me to bed…" I tell her, right before I kiss her with quivering lips, biting, sucking, loving her lips in the most beautiful and wanting way I ever kissed someone.

I need her so much now… I need her so much closer and that's what she's sensing.

I guess she's the only one who can offer me some peace just for a few hours and I take her help and her affection willingly.

* * *

As I open my eyes I look into hers once again. I look into her eyes which are not black coffee without milk but sugar brown like last night when we made love several times.

Now it's more caramel, chocolate brown and I want to taste her again.

"Good Morning, beauty…"

Another morning I wake up in her arms, feeling save and good like I belong there.

Another morning I don't regret I let her stay here, because after a night like this, being able to touch her everywhere, being able to listen to her voice when she's pleading, begging me to give her release, when she's saying, whispering, screaming my name. I couldn't regret staying in her strong and tender arms the whole night.

"You were watching me again while I was sleeping?" I ask and she is smiling, feeling caught.

"I just can't resist your amazing body… your amazing face… You look so beautiful when you are sleeping and I rather watch you than waking you up… So I have more time to take in every detail…" She confess and what I see in her eyes is more than the need for sex or desire and affection. It's something that's bringing my perdition and salvation at the same time. It's killing and saving me and I don't know what to do.

I want to love her back and somehow I think… I'm on my best way… but I don't know if I can take it…

"You are falling in love with me, don't you?" I ask her after a short pause, almost starting to cry, because I don't know how to react to this powerful feeling that's running out of her eyes and entering my body immediately.

"You want to heart the truth?" She asks me with concern in her eyes. Yes… she remembers the first thing I asked her…

"_Please… try not to fall in love with me…" I'm saying, I'm whispering, I'm pleading._

_She looks at me in a strange way before she nods slightly._

"No…" I say, because I don't know if I'd be able to take the truth and so she says:

"I'm not in love with you…"


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note: **To be honest I feel very… very bad to let you wait that long for each of my fanfiction. But unfortunately it'll stay like that if there isn't a miracle soon! Fortunately I was able to take some time today to write this Chapter, being able to take a step forward in this story and I really hope you like that. Reviews are appreciated, they are my muse! Thanks a lot for commenting!

Have a nice time and enjoy the spring! It's coming! Yay!

-Sun

**Chapter 5**

There are people who are not able to show their pain other human beings directly.

Instead they are hiding behind safe walls, behind the doors of their houses, their loneliness.

Isn't it easier to play hide and never seek, never find?

Isn't it easier to tell yourself you aren't worth it, risking to hurt others or to get hurt again?

Of course there are people who go hand in hand with guilt and self hate, self abuse; people who build up walls as high as the tower of old Babylon.

Those peoples I call my friends, my family, because I'm one of them.

I hide so often my walls are hardly erasable, destructible, not deniable and unbelievably strong. I'm not used to tear them apart by opening the door for someone else who isn't me.

But for her I open this door intentionally, automatically, anticipated every time I see her standing there looking that beautiful and stunning. And the more I see her, the better I feel, the easier and greater it became for me. So much naturally and real and good it felt to have her with me. A feeling I've lost a long time ago, somewhere at a place I don't want to think about.

A very genius man once said that love is the most beautiful and magnificent thing in the world. But he didn't mention that it's quiet dangerous, being up there, in the clouds, singing songs of joy and peace, being drunk and lost in all those feelings. He didn't mention the following days when you desperately try to hang on, when you just keep falling. Harder, quicker, deeper.

And who really cares about your vestige, about your wretched vestige?

I look up from the chart and I recognize her intentionally, talking to her best Friend, Dr. Mark 'Manwhore' Sloane.

I see her body moving in a slow rhythm to her loud, but sensitive and heart filling laughter.

My body is on temptation when I see her looking up, right into my direction, our glances and eyes connected while she is still talking to him. He has her attention, at least a half of her attention, because I'm the reason she isn't looking at him anymore. She's mine and I'm the one who makes her shake with anticipation just by looking at her a little longer. Something is mine, something I haven't asked for, but something I start to appreciate so much I start to miss if it's not around. Something I start to love…

The more I look at her, the more I fall and the more I fall the more I learn to fly. With her I know I won't end hurt and lost in the middle of nowhere being kicked out and left alone.

She cares about the vestige of my soul and she pieces it together one after the other without hesitating, not even knowing what she's doing to me, for me, after all.

But she's there, always there, still there, becoming such an important part for me already.

First it started with a kiss, with a lot of breathe – taking kisses and further on her body captured mine, left me back worn out in a beautiful and mesmerizing way.

And she left me hungry for more; completely starving, and every time I look at her I want to touch her so badly. I want to capture her body. I want to occupier her mind and leave her full and soft lips screaming for me.

Oh god… I can't believe how much of this stupid, but sexual and arousal feelings a human being can really take without bursting open.

I look at her, still, hungry for more… I'm so hungry and she tastes so sweet… So I look at her more intentionally, biting my lips in the most seductively way and I hope she realizes which message I want to deliver her.

I want her… Now… And its crazy how much she's affecting and fascinating me, making me want her so much closer…

One last look, a bite on my lips a seductively smile, before I'm closing the chart I was holding in my hands, walking away with swaying hips until I step into the next on call room across the hall.

There I stand, waiting for her, smiling widely as I count down from 1 to 3, because I already know she bite the small decoy to my pleasure.

_3…_

It's magical how much my lips are aching to be touched by hers, how much, so much.

It's scary how my heart is beating, so fast and strong, almost able to be heard by everyone around me.

_2…_

And it's no just about the satisfaction she will give me, now, later and whenever I'm with her. It's not just about the sexual healing like it has been for me a long time. It's all about her… about her hands, her mouth, her lips, her face, her body… her words… It's all about her… About Calliope…

_1…_

The door opens so suddenly that I jump slightly; even I already knew she would come.

I can feel her presence long before she's taking me into her strong arms, looking at me with an indescribable fire in her eyes.

I feel her cold breathe on my tempted skin before she's touching me, and we are both not saying anything, because all we need is the presence of the other, the rising heat in our bodies, and when she kisses me fervently my body starts to quiver and shiver with anticipation, already parting my lips.

Kisses never meant much to me after I left my hometown. But with her a kiss isn't just about satisfaction of a long felt desire. It's not just about sex. With her it's so much more, something I thought I'd never be able to feel again. When she trails her tongue over my lips, moans leaving her beautiful lips it's also about passion, tenderness and affection.

Each kiss we shared is printed down in my head and I could never forget the soft, but hungry way she's kissing me right now. Her lips are magical and I love them so much, so much… oh god… I can't believe what she's doing… what… oh… she's doing…

She spins me around so I'm standing with my back to her and even I want to kiss her forcefully I let it happen, whatever she's planning to do. The sensation is already building up and her hands are roaming over my body while she's kissing me neck up and down, leaving wet trails and hot marks.

"You can't do that to me…" She whispers into my ear, her breath is the only thing that fills the room, as hitched as mine, but not as pleading. "… Looking at me that way and excepting I'm able to behave…"

Her fingers found their way under my scrub top, my white coat already found its way to the floor.

"Whenever I see you or think of you I get so hot…"

Her hands are leaving my body back, burning, leaving me back, panting heavily and immediately I want her back. I know she's still there; I hear her breath, I hear her clothes touching the floor, but hearing is not enough and I gasp pleased when her bare skin is touching my back through my clothes. It's more than I can bear, but still I want us to be closer. I want our bodies connected, touching each other without any space between us.

"Touch me… Feel me…" I moan as her hands are cupping my breasts through the tiny fabric; my shirt is long gone and finally I feel her bear breasts, her already hardened nipples, on my back.

I've never been a loud lover, but with here I am. With her tender touch, willingly, hard but soft at the same time and whenever I try to suppress those noises she makes me split them out loud once more. She asks me to let them out, because she wants to hear what she's doing to me and I want to show her exactly how much I need and want her.

She erases my clothes, one after the other, painfully slowly, until I stand there how I want us to be: able to touch, sense, feel, freely, naked and closer, so much closer.

I don't really know how I found the strength when my knees buckle and my heart races like this, but after she lead me towards one of those beds I struggle with her, until I lay on top of her, starting another sensual game.

Our cores are connected and I grind into her passionately while I'm sitting, my head thrown back. I love the sensation of her hands on my hips, of her glances on my bare chest. I love the sound of her sore and huskily voice. I love the movement of her hips, her body aching to get more; and there she is, her arms suddenly wrapped around my waist, her bare breasts touching my stomach while her lips are touching the valley of breats. And when I lay down on top of her, my hands simply finding its way between our bodies, leaving fire traces as she whispers my name, she pants, she sighs and I feel myself melting in her. Melting, because of her.

She asks me to never leave her, never stop, never forever.

And when I kiss her, I kiss her so hard and so full of meanings, I feel her come in my arms, powerful.

And when I hide my head in the crook of her neck I hear the soft words leaving her mouth. Words I never thought to hear ever again… Words I never wanted to hear… before I met her… but now they seem so good and so pure and full of honest I want to hear them over and over again.

"I'm in love with you…"

She whispers hardly audible, and she thinks I haven't heard them… but I did… clearly. And for the first time I don't want to run away…

Words sometimes change everything.

* * *

Life isn't always easy. It never has been and it never will be. It's something you realize very early. And life is not something you can plan. Never.

I tried to plan it so often and I thought I knew what would happen tomorrow or in one week. I thought life was a constant thing and you can truly trust destiny, love and life. But you can't… You can't…

When I laid in her arms, her long and slender fingers gracing my still wet skin I had my eyes closed and for the first time I felt save. I listened to her steady breath and all I want to, is replying to what she said to me. It's a simple feeling, but also an overwhelming. It's something I thought I would never feel again and even I don't want to confess, even it scares me to death, I want to confess it to her. I want her to be mine… I want to be hers… But life isn't like it should be.

Life is confusing and it's hurtful.

As I run down the corridors with the small object in my hands I almost stumble, I almost hit everyone who's coming in my way. But I don't care…. No, I couldn't care less. I run with a bumping heart, my head filled with his name, his face, tears streaming down his face. And when I come nearer I already her loud voices, his tiny voice intermingling with strong ones, with ones of strangers, people he didn't even know. People who shouldn't be there and so I run. I run faster and faster until my breath almost fades away.

But when I come there, entering the almost too small looking room, filled with all the doctors, with Karev and Bailey and nurses, I wish I wouldn't have to be here. I wish I could go back in time and lay in her arms like just 15 minutes ago. I wish it wouldn't be my name he's screaming. And I wish he wouldn't look at me the way he's doing as soon as he recognizes my presences. I wish his glances wouldn't tell me the hurt and the hate I expected. I wish it wouldn't rip apart my heart.

"What's going on here?" I ask Karev who is looking like a helplessly child and before he can even answer my question he screams out loud.

"YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN!!" And then it hits me. It hits me what those words mean, it hits me what those tears still means and I walk through the crowd of people who aren't doing anything. I walk past them and when I stand there I almost don't know what to do. I know I can't take away the pain, because I know what he is going through. I know exactly what his heart has to bear at this moment. But what I needed was someone who would have held me, someone who would have been able to take all the pain I was capturing in my throat. So I step nearer. I ignore his loud screaming, his hate and his mistrust; because I know he felt lied to badly, like I felt when I was younger.

And I even stand there when he combines his hate and his hurt in form of fists, crashing down on my chest. He still screams, telling me what happened, a long story, through the haze of his tears.

I never thought such tiny hands could build up such strength, such a strength I believe these wounds will never be able to heal.

"You told me he would come back!" With each word his fist connects with my torso. His tiny hands leave marks, marks on my body and on my heart. I wish I could say something, I wish I could help him heal, but here I am, screaming out loud, because of the pain, because of him. They shouldn't watch him like a trapped monkey behind locked bars. They shouldn't be here when he s falling apart.

"GET OUT! GET OUT OF HERE NOW!" I'm screaming, freeing them of their gaped state.

Bailey hesitates, trying to help me, but she can't. No one can help us, because we are of the same shape. Lost and helpless ghosts, a shadow of ourselves. And no one needs to see that… no one needs to…

A loud gasp is escaping my throat and I almost can't take the sudden pain. He still cries and he still screams, his words never leaving my mind and they will stuck there for an awfully long time.

"It's okay… okay…. It's okay…." I whisper, knowing that nothing is okay… nothing ever will be okay for him like it wasn't for me and it never get easier.

My own tears are flowing as I whisper "I'm here… I'm there for you… I am… you are not alone… some day you will be able to life with the pain… you will… I promise…"

And then there are tears, soaking my clothes and all I can think about when I lay down with him, weeping his tiny body as I stroke his brown hair firmly, because I know he can't be alone right now and I can't be either.

He stopped hitting me, but his tears won't stop and my wounds won't stop hurting too.

* * *

Opening the door for someone to a secret place, your heart, can leave you breathlessly in the worse way. It can leave you hurt and pleading.

But it can also give you the love and safety you always searched for, you need.

And when I' m standing in front of her apartment door at eleven o clock in the evening, completely worn out and almost not able to walk straight, because of my burdens, collecting more and more pain.

I knock hard and loud, because I want to hide myself in her arms when everything around me seems to pass by so quickly. I need someone to pull me with them instead of leaving me back asking myself how to go on. I want someone to help me ease the pain and take a ride with me on the carrousel of life.

Moments pass by, moments in which I almost can't find the ability to stand, but I wait for her, until she is finally opening the door, welcoming me with her usual bright smile.

"Hey Ari…" She says in a lovely tone, until she realizes that I simply stand there, without saying anything. Then she asks.

"Ari? Is everything okay?"

"Ye… I… I…" I stumble, I ramble, I catch the tears in my throat.

Usually I wouldn't share my pain with someone. I'd hide and leave this world behind for a few hours, before I'd start to pretend again. But she's special, special to me.

I look her into the eyes and I say nothing except of "Take me to bed…"

Almost 1 month has passed and I said it in so many different occasions, in so many ways.

I hushed it seductively, I said it forcefully, playful.

But now it's just a simple whisper. A whisper I press out in one breath and immediately she takes my hand into hers and leads me into her bedroom.

No word is need to be said when she's helping me out of my clothes while I'm sitting on the edge of her bed, silent tears grazing my hollow and pale looking skin.

She's in silence too, but when she finally sees my bare torso and the already purple and blue marks his pain left there, her breath hitches.

"Oh … my god… Ari… Who did this to you?"

I shrug slightly, like I… yes, like I deserved it. Like the pain that was capturing my body for almost 15 years is now presented on my skin.

"He was hurt…" I gulp.

"And I lied… his father is dead… he died over there… like… and I promised a false promise, even if I knew… he was hurt…" I explain to her and she nods slightly, before she's grabbing for an old band t shirt of hers that must have looked good on her, but now becoming mine. She's becoming mine…

And when I'm sitting there only wearing a shirt and some dark blue pants she's really taking me to bed, lying next to me after settling down the light.

She's crawling up to me, wrapping her arms around me front where my hand is already waiting for her, our fingers starting a sensual and slow game.

I settle myself down, our bodies fitting like a puzzle and that's when I realize I want to be like that with her forever.

She's so gentle, touching me like I'm a glass figure, scared of hurting me in any way, when she's the only one is able to mend and take away my pain, and so I whisper the truth.

Words are leaving my mouth which are going to change everything, everything that has been, everything that will be, but I want her to know it. I want her to change me and so I say:

"I'm in love with you too…"


	6. Addiction

_**Authors Note:**_

_**iFabi**_**: **hahaha I really imagine you doing a sort of ‚happy dance'. I do that every time I upload another chapter or receive a review written by my great readers. In my opinion you are doing a lot more than I do. Hehe. Thank you!

_**Jubi129**_: To be honest I thought that too. Sometimes I really feel like I'm disappearing from this world, but then I'm coming back, like I do now, and I'm trying my best to make you cry, and smile and feel. And I hope I success. Thank you!

_**DianaDumbeldore**_: hehe… thank you=)

_**Jrgoose**__:_ love always comes very suddenly and even you want to deny it… you can't. I guess it's like an addiction. Hope you like the next chapter, too=)

_**Egast**_: Hey it's not nice to make the author cry and blush! Thank you!

_**:**_ Thank you for your honest review! I'm glad you told me my mistakes. I'm doing my best of course, but unfortunately I don't see my own mistakes sometimes. There's still a lot to learn with this language. I know what you mean… sometimes it's hard to talk about things, but though you need to scream it out loud. It's depressing, emotional and serious. It's not just about writing a simple fanfiction about the girls we love. It's about finding love, loosing love, drowning, self – abuse/distraction, masking your beauty behind ruled paper and shown happiness. It's about life and finding a new love that brings you back on your feet. Thank you.

_**Loveaz:**_:) You don't know how much it means to me you saying that! I hope you are going to like this Chapter, because surprise… surprise…

This Chapter is for my lovely friend **loveaz** who had **birthday** yesterday. I really hope you'll be in my company, taking every journey through each and every fanficion I write with me. Thank you very much for being that loyal and that kind.

_My love and best wishes to you_

**-Sun**

**Chapter 6 – Addiction**

_(Arizona voiceover)_

Our life is filled with addiction and seduction and every one has his own drug, his own undeniable want, need and necessity. And if you're completely honest to yourself you can't deny it, you won't deny it.

There can be a lot of things you are addicted to, no matter if it's a book, a movie, a series, chocolate, alcohol or nicotine; it's always the same.

You can't stop, you can't hide, you can't deny, you need it.

You are purely and truly addicted and it feels good, so good.

Now imagine you are standing in front of a window, looking through the milky glass, looking into the inside, seeing various cakes, donuts and candy's. You are standing there for ages, your gaze captured by a chocolate donut and you stand there, trying to hide your affection. But you can't. You already taste the creamy and sweet chocolate on your tongue, running down your throat, deliciously, just by looking at it.

Would you stop looking at it if I tell you it's filled with over 70 calories?

Of course you won't.

Addiction is something sneaky, isn't it?

It is… it seriously is.

I never stopped, too. I never did, even he told me it wasn't good. Even he made it clear how bad it was. I never stopped doing the thing I called my secret and hidden addiction. It grew in all the years and even I felt good some days, I couldn't stop myself from thinking about it. Thinking about the things that happened in my life was one of the worst things I could have done.

It brought me back into the arms of my pusher. Of my drug. Of my addiction. Of my perdition. It made the addiction grow like the shadow of a grey eyed monster on the wall, and I really thought I would never be able to live my life again. I never thought I could have a life after all.

Addiction isn't something good. It never has been.

But it can. Someone proofed me that addiction can be something very good.

Because now I'm addicted to someone, not to something and I feel better than I have for a seriously long time.

Now my addiction has a name, a beautiful name.

And my life is filled with occasions to love.

* * *

_(Arizona's pov)_

Sometimes you don't realize how quickly time is passing by. The other day it's in the middle of January and you are all alone and then, suddenly, you wake up one morning, because of a familiar scent. A scent you started to call familiar. You wake up and as soon as you open your eyes you realize something else: how beautiful and good life can be.

You never believe me if you never experienced it before.

Yes, life can be hard, so hard, but it can also be good to you.

5 months passed by like clouds are passing by on a warm summer day in June.

5 whole months in which she built up a new life for me, with me.

5 months in which I completely lost myself in her embrace.

The night I told her I'm in love with her too, changed almost everything. It hasn't just changed the girl I once was, but also Calliope and me. As soon as those words left my mouth she spun me around softly, her eyes becoming mine, her heart asking for entry and I looked back, without fear, and I waited. I waited for her to say something; I waited for her to do something. But she just lay there in front of me, our bodies lightly touching and all she did was crying softly until she simply asked:" You love me?"

I lay there, silently, for minutes, until I simply nodded. "I do."

"But you… you told me not to fall in love with you… why?" She rambled nervously. I guess she couldn't believe that I actually, the person who asked her not to fall in love with me, felt in love with her, passionately. But we can't force our heart to go into another direction, can we?

I know I could have told her anything about my past. I could have opened the dirty and dusty pages for her; but instead I hesitated und removed my hands from the back of the book, just to turn away from the shelf where I kept it and going into her direction.

And so I answered: "That's not important anymore… nothing is important anymore… except of us…", before I cupped her wet cheek with my fingers and leant forward to kiss her lightly. The kiss deepened so quickly I almost passed out because of all the love emerging my body.

But before it was getting too serious, my hands on her bum and her hands finding its way into my hair, she pulled away with all the power she has left in her body after what we were doing and I could see how hard it was for her not to go any further.

"Wait… You… you are hurt…" She told me caring and it made my grin grow wider and my tears becoming a river.

"I don't care…" I simply answered before I pulled the shirt over my head; before I let my lips wander over her bare chest to her lips, whispering softly words of seduction.

"I want you. I want us… I want us to be one." She closed her eyes and leant back when I completely over took her body and made it mine.

"I want us to be one, Calliope… you listen… tonight, and tomorrow, next week and next month… and next year."

I don't know why I said that, right now, when she lay in front of me, barely wearing anything, when I could feel her body heating up.

"You want us to be…?"

I nodded.

"Together… yes…"

She smiled wickedly before she kissed me. A beautiful, breath – taking answer. And we celebrated the whole night…

I took my best swan dive in shark invested water. I risked everything.

Months ago I wouldn't have cared if they ate me alive.

But now I care and now I swim there freely and safe, because love isn't a shark invested water anymore. Instead it's my own little paradise which she has the key to.

* * *

When I wake up it's her face I'm looking at, it's her body laying beside me, her long dark hair spread out on my pillow and even I know she doesn't really like it when I'm watching her, because she says it's her privilege, I couldn't care less right now. I don't care she will be crappy the first time she opens her eyes, knowing I have been the first one to wake up. She will pout and ask me to go back to sleep again so she will be able to watch me, but I don't care. No one is going to erase that smile gracing my mouth, finally again. She brought me back my ability to laugh and smile and thank god for no reason. She made me fall in love again and believe in long lasting relationships. She made my life liveable again and I never thought I could get such a wonderful present.

Suddenly she stiffens, rubbing her eyes with her ankles and I fall in love with her, just a little bit more.

"Morning sunshine…"

She grumbles, looking into my direction while she's frowning immediately.

"No! Don' tell me you're already awake?!" She pouts like I except her to and it makes my smile grow wilder.

"Well… unfortunately I am, for you of course… fortunately for me…" I answer, kissing her softly on the lips, waiting for her to wake up completely and she's awake immediately, her lips moving in the same rhythm as mine and I can't think of something better to start your day, but suddenly she pulls away, still pouting like a little child in a super market not getting the candy it asked for.

"Don't try to fool me like that! I know what you are trying! You are trying to seduce me and make me forget of what you were doing!" And then I laugh, making her pout just a little bit more. "And now you laugh! You don't take me serious enough, Ari!!!"

"Oh… no… you are completely serious and I am too. I just love it to watch you while you are asleep. I love the sun cascading on your caramel skin, watching your chest slowly raise and fall. I love how your lips look like… I love it to take in every detail. But I promise I'm going to make it up to you, Calliope…"

I pull myself up to crawl over to her, positioning myself directly on her and her hands already found it's way to my back, my lower back, where she's kneading and massaging one of the most sensitive spots of my body. No one ever made my head spin by grabbing my butt, but I'm seeing stars while she's working on me and I simply hush: "This should be about you, not about me, Callie…" I press out her name quickly in a moan when I feel her hands working hard.

"You want me to stop?" She smirks evil and that's what she is. She's evil. But hot, damn hot.

"Oh no. Damn you to stop!" I whisper while I'm kissing her neck deliciously. "Oh… please… don't stop doing that…"

Her lips founding its way to my ear, her susurration making my tiny hair tickle "I'm never going to stop…"

I'm pressing myself down into her body and I start to grind in a slow pace, making her moan, whispering my name, her hands still working as I start to kiss her passionately.

Oh god, I never thought I could love someone that much anymore.

And when she start to undress me slowly the phone is ringing and she's groaning annoyed, but I don't care.

"Answering machine." I grin mischievously and she laughs dirty as she struggles herself up, pulling me down, changing the position and I love how she's trying to gain control over my body, over our sensual game and now I'd love to give the force to her, making my body explode and…

Then the ringing stops and a voice is suddenly filling the room. I recognize her voice immediately and even I want to stand up and stop the message, because I don't know what she's going to say I keep laying there, under her, giving myself away in her tender and hungry kiss. But I should have known she's also listening.

"Hey my baby girl. I haven't heard from you for a long time and I start to wonder what's going on with you. You know, you always call whatever is happening. I miss you very much my little girl and I just wanted to call you and hope you are calling your parents soon. And I hope you are celebrating your birthday again after all those years. Happy birthday sweetheart…"

And my heart stops beating for a moment, now I know why I should have answered the call instead of letting it ring, because she stopped kissing me, now, instead looking me into the eyes directly.

"It's your birthday today?" She asks me undeniably surprised and shocked.

Lying isn't the best thing to do now I guess and so I nod slightly, shrugging with my shoulders like it doesn't mean anything. And it truly doesn't mean anything to me.

"If you consider today being the day I was born you could actually say it's my birthday…"

"WHAT?" She screams and pulls herself up so she's sitting in front of me. "Ari! It's your birthday and I'm your girlfriend. Why don't I know that? I mean… it's your birthday!"

"It's nothing special." I reply honestly, but she doesn't seem to care what I think about my birthday.

"Of course it is! It's your birthday Ari! That means: It is special!"

I guess I shouldn't have taught her how to be perky and celebrate birthdays, but unfortunately I did and so she sits there like one of my patients, clapping her hands, kissing me softly on the lips, just a short peck before she is standing up, leaving me back in bed hopelessly.

"What are you doing?? Calliope?? Where are you going, Calliope? Calliope?"

I call after her, but she is not really answering, just replying: "I'm calling you later!" before I hear her taking on her clothes and taking her keys before she is closing the door of my apartment.

Right there, totally worn out, because of all the sexual tension she isn't taking away from me, I swear myself to throw my answering machine out of the window.

* * *

Work has been always something to make me think about something else. Being able to help someone who needs me is one of the best things to do. To save someone is a wonderful and satisfying feeling, and being there for someone who really needs you, looking into those big and puffy eyes is magnificent and something I never want to miss.

But walking around the hospital without seeing her, but needing her, couldn't be worse, and I ask myself what she is doing and where she is.

Since she found out about my birthday I wasn't seeing her around here and I'm kind of worried that she's never coming back.

That I am the reason she left me, that I forced her to leave me, just by hiding something like that from her, and when I'm walking to my locker, ready to leave after 12 hours working, I want to cry. Maybe it's nothing, but for me it's everything.

But when my shoulders start to hang down and tears are welling up in my eyes I feel hands in front of me eyes and her presence is undeniably.

"Calliope?" I ask, and I feel her grinning, while her body is pressed against mine and her hands are still darkening my sight.

"Come with me." She says, while she is spinning me around so I'm able to look at her finally.

"But… What? Where?" She stops my question with a short, but lingering kiss.

"Don't ask. Just trust and follow…" And I simply nod, trusting her like I never trust someone for a long time.

Almost 20 minutes ago, driving with her car, we are finally where she wants us to be, my eyes are closed how I promised I would keep them, and even I didn't know what this was about I simply waited for her to tell me everything was done. And so I walk, trusting her leading, holding her hands firmly and I listen intentionally. I hear the nature and I smell grass, I smell summer floral and I even smell the sun settling down. I smell her perfume reminding me of everything I love and suddenly she abruptly stands still, holding both of my hands in hers. That's when I hear her voice, telling me to open my eyes and when I do it, tears are welling up in my eyes immediately.

I have never seen something beautiful like her, standing in front of me with her dark and long hair caressing her chin. But there's also something else lighting the evening sky and when I look around I see hundred of candles standing on the dark green grass, picturing a big heart and in the middle is a blanket spread out; a picnic in the middle of the night.

And when I gaze away, from all the love laid out in front of me, I'm looking love right into the eyes.

"You can't can not celebrate your birthday." She says softly before she's pulling out a tiny box out of her trousers pocket, still holding my hand in hers and my heart, stops, again.

"I know we are just together for a short while and it's not what you think… I don't ask you to marry me… yet… but I ask you to be together with me… forever…" She smiles wickedly and I cry. Tears telling her what I feel for her, pure and honest love capturing my body and then, just a moment later, I wear the sign of our love on my finger.

"I… I love you, Ari. Happy birthday."

And we kiss each other under a star filled sky while our bodies are filled and captured by each other.

"I love you, too." I whisper right before I'm kissing her again, never thought I could enjoy my birthday.

* * *

Affection starts so quickly and it changes everything, your heart and your soul. But this affection is something I would give my life for. It's about her. And I'm truly, purely and seriously affected by her.

She is my addiction.


	7. Authors Alert

Hello my lovely readers,

Unfortunately I have to tell you all that this is not going to be the next Chapter of this story.

I'm rather here to tell you, that after I got into a big crisis and a beloved friend of me died, I decided that now is not the right time for me to write anything.

So I decided to take a break and let you know that I didn't forget any of my stories or that you are waiting. Though I hope you'll understand and you'll be still there when I have found my strength to continue with this part of my life, writing, and with my life at all.

Thanks for the great reviews you always gave to me. And thanks for understanding.

All the best on your way and hopefully until soon

-Sun


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